


the definition of death

by hoasen



Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Attempt at Humor, Character Death, Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:33:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26517505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoasen/pseuds/hoasen
Summary: On paper, Asano Gakuhou is very much alive.Gakushuu mightthinkhe has any subtlety but Ren knows the boy has already taken over Kunugigaoka. No, not in the‘Daddy’s hot shit around here’but in the‘I’m Daddy’kind of way and the previous Chairman’s six feet underground.OR, how one kid with daddy issues decides to become his dad, the fic.
Relationships: Asano Gakushuu & Horibe Itona, Asano Gakushuu & Irina Jelavić, Asano Gakushuu & Sakakibara Ren
Comments: 74
Kudos: 174





	1. found on page four, ninth row

**Author's Note:**

> I almost wrote 'decides to become his daddy' as the summary

The moon blows up.

Which, admittedly, is a dilemma Gakushuu cares less about than his new... _ employee. _ When Yukimura Aguri dies partway through the first grading period, he had already prepared a week's worth of premade coffee for the subsequent bureaucratic hell and contacted a lineup of substitutes nobody would miss for 3-E. 

By then, the moon has already blown up of course, but it wasn't about a day late when he was introduced to something vaguely resembling an octopus. Irina had taken one look over his shoulders and laughed for an hour straight.

"Oh?" Gakushuu says with all the calm he doesn't feel. "Why don't you try being the next 3-E teacher then?"

She laughs even harder. Gakushuu returns it with an entirely fake smile as he downs the rest of his coffee.

Technically, none of this is his job in the first place, being in middle school and all (Student Council President or no). But it’s his responsibility nonetheless. After all, he was the reason why Father was like this.

The email he first gets regarding the situation did not make it through his spam filter, the second gets read purely out of boredom and the fact that ‘ _ Hey! What does the Ministry of Defense want _ this _ time? _ ’ and he proceeded to forward it to Irina. He gets an ‘ _ LOL _ ’ in return.

When he realizes that the emails regarding the human experimented super creature that blew up the moon wants to teach E-Class (who will be trained into baby assassins)—well, by that time, men in black with metal suitcases are on his front porch. Gakushuu opens the door with his nice-boy-with-an-absent-father act, then ushers them away as soon as possible.

He proceeds to have a panic attack the moment they leave the property.

-

It happens like this: dawn has not yet broken and the bridge and river smelled like gasoline and pollution. Gakushuu was ten and his bruises can’t be washed off but he tries anyway and only one Asano returned to a gated house that day, made a murderer. 

Then, the phone in his father’s office rang. A ten-year-old Gakushuu picked up the call. Perhaps it was the leftover adrenaline or some morbid sense of obligation because he says to the transportation coordinator, “This is Asano Gakushuu, the Chairman is currently occupied elsewhere. Please leave an email and we will get back to you later at…”

And it just—evolves from there.

-

Apparently, the transportation coordinator was not just a transportation coordinator, he learned after an extensive dive through his father’s more elusive storage rooms and files. After enough time he gets through them all, every single file on the computer, through the meticulously plotted out planners.

(The password was  _ ‘Gakushuu’  _ in code, and an Asano shouldn’t cry,  _ damn it _ .)

The transportation coordinator was a middle man between his father and a hitman dealer named Lovro. Gakushuu decided that it was time to switch over to the voice modulation machine.

-

Irina doesn’t bother to knock when she barrels through the Asano residence with a bravado only found in spiteful teenagers. She doesn’t take well to this new assignment, muttering something about how babysitting was ‘so below her’ and how his father was going to be ‘just another creepy middle-aged man’. He laughs.

It’s really not Gakushuu’s fault that her boss needed a contact in the upper-echelons of Japan and ‘Asano Gakuhou’ needed a new secretary to serve as an in-between (he panicked and reassigned all of his father’s personal staff the week before). His father was not a murderer, it’s unfortunate that Gakushuu was.

“Your papers say that you’re eighteen,” he said in the flattest possible tone.

The girl scoffs.

But really, he should have accounted for the fact that Lovro sends a barely sixteen honeypot to his door. They work well together though, something about childhood trauma and growing up too soon really bonds people. 

-

On paper, Asano Gakuhou is very much alive. He’s the Chairman to one of the most prestigious schools in the nation with too many zeros in his bank account. The man has a dutiful, better than average son who attends the very school he built from the ground.

If you were to ask his employees they’ll say, “The Chairman is a very reclusive man ever since his wife died.” They’ll tear up here. “But that doesn’t stop all the phenomenal work he has done, especially these last five years.”

“Yes, he really understands our student body’s feelings,” the English teacher dabs a handkerchief to his eyes.

“And our pay has increased twice fold!”

(Gakushuu doesn’t see why that was so strange, he had simply sped up some of his father’s plans. Granted, he did have the quite the budget to spare when he, ah, decided to ‘let go’ of some of the board members when Irina complains for three hours on end about creepy middle-aged men and incompetent accountants.

About then was the time eleven-year-old Gakushuu would have summoned his father back from the dead to look into the eyes and say: “What the fuck, Dad?”

But his father would’ve warned him that the separation between work and his personal life was a thing and if Gakushuu was really his son then—).

If you were to ask the Main Campus, they would just want to know why the school work finally becomes manageable and someone upgraded the student bathrooms. Though the fact that the metaphoric death aura doesn’t emanate from the Chairman’s office every day is enough of a miracle. They had a tiny first year burst into tears the moment he walked by the hallway leading to the room once.

If you were to ask the Student Council then they would faint on the spot. They would mutter something with their last breath about how the Chairman sees everything and everyone and they had checked for hidden cameras so many times it’s getting routine.

The Student Council President, Asano Gakushuu would gracefully arch an eyebrow before telling them to finish accounting the soccer club’s expenses. Then they will spend the rest of the day bragging about the pool table and state of the art computers with monitors twice the size of the staff lounge’s TVs in the council room.

(Carefully, Gakushuu compares the staff’s financial reports with the council’s, jotting down any discrepancies between the data sets. His father wouldn’t except errors after all.)

If you were to ask E-3, they’ll say, “Fuck- _ ing _ finally, an AC unit and a mildly competent teacher. Did the school administration have a stroke?”

A girl with blonde hair would add, “I still wouldn’t mind hunting the Chairman for sport though.” And the group gathered around her would nod with the certainty only found in bored teenagers. 

Also, the school’s budget finally accounts for them, but that doesn’t matter. 

So on paper, Asano Gakuhou is very much alive. If you were to ask Gakushuu, he would refer you to the secretary (part-time undercover student, full-time assassin, part-time Gakushuu wrangler), Irina Jelavic. She would smile and talk in a circle to the point where you can’t tell how many fingers the doctor’s holding up.

Now, that’ll bring us to the octopus.

-

“The octopus.”

“Yes, the octopus.”

“You’re really going to take the deal?” Irina looks delighted.

Gakushuu buries his head into the unsigned paperwork. “Does it  _ look  _ like I have a choice?”

She examines her nails under the light, “You could just tell them to fuck off and fine them for child endangerment the moment they bring the octopus within a kilometer radius of the school.”

This sounds like a great idea until you realize that he could squeeze at least several more millions from the world government if he were to play along. It  _ was  _ just E-Class in the direct line of fire, after all, and he knows exactly what his father thinks of them. Ah, his father would be gleeful as much as he could be) at such an opportunity. While he wouldn’t like the sound of a super creature like that being anywhere near the Main Campus, they shouldn’t be directly impacted by this. 

He grips the pen and sighs, “I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?”

Like the supportive friend she is, Irina beams.

…

“ _ So _ , so what are you going to do with all that money?” she asks when she looks over his shoulders at the preliminary check the government sent with the documents, expectant.

Gakushuu pauses, stares at the check, then looks up at Irina. “Hazard pay.”

She beams even brighter and drapes herself over his father’s frankly uncomfortable chairs. “Say, isn’t this super octopus-thing going to add a  _ lot  _ more danger to my job? Like what would happen if I got exposed?” And proceeds to dramatically write out her bank information before smacking it on Gakushuu’s desk.

He rolls his eyes.

-

The job interview was—it was  _ something _ , alright.

Gakushuu sits behind an industrial-strength pane one-way glass he dubs as ‘extra protection’ and tries very hard not to twitch. At the very least, he’s doing better than Irina, who has already pulled a knife on the octopus for the third time now.

The government agent takes one look at the minimum cost to have the octopus employed at Kunugigaoka and Gakushuu can see the exact moment the man feels his soul leave his body.

“Karasuma-san, was it?” even though he knows the agent can’t see him through the glass, he smiles, “I’ve heard you were to watch over the creature during the foreseeable school year. Your superiors have assured me your teaching license was still valid, but still expect the paperwork emailed to me before the deadline.”

The man nods stiffly.

“Excellent!” Gakushuu says with the cheer he doesn't feel and tries to think of finally repainting the high school’s second gymnasium.


	2. the footnotes must be read

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternative Title: Asano Gakushuu (+ Co.) and the Hike to Hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's amazing. gakushuu has friends

Okay. 

A breath in, a breath out. He can do this. The event is one he’ll attend as Asano Gakushuu (in the place of ‘his father’) but that does nothing to calm his nerves.

This place… it would be where his father would’ve been buried if Gakushuu had been any good as a son. No, he wasn’t here to wallow in self-pity when his employee is lying in an open casket as the world around her pretends she wasn’t  _ murdered _ . 

‘ _ Unfortunate accident _ ’, yeah sure. He will have some of Irina’s contacts look into the lab explosion later (and the unfortunate timing of the whole event).

Yukimura’s fiance ('Yanagisawa', his mind supplies) steps onto the podium in a white lab coat he hadn’t bothered to change out of to give his eulogy with a nonchalance that shouldn’t be found in someone whose spouse just died. Gakushuu quickly decides he doesn’t like the man. Then he opens his mouth and Gakushuu could _smell_ the foulness in the air.

The girl, Yukimura’s sister, he believes, standing next to the fiance has her head bowed down in an effort to conceal her presence. She’s familiar, he knows he’s seen that face before somewhere, though he doubts they’ve met before. 

When the reception ends, Gakushuu heads straight for his office and pulls up everything he could currently attain about Yanagisawa Labs. A quick call to the transportation coordinator shows that the new security measures he had set up around 3-E’s mountain are working smoothly, along with a notice of Lovro’s latest message arriving later on.

Talking to them is nice, he supposes, and that says a lot about his current social circle. The transportation coordinator and Lovro have both known who ‘Asano Gakuhou’ really was for years now when Irina snitched after her first month (he doesn’t blame her, he would have too). They don’t treat him any different than how they would with his father though, it probably comes with the profession.

(“Yeah, no shit, kid,” Irina types out an email to her latest target on a burner phone. “Most of us get into it about your age. Just as dangerous then as they are now if they make it past twenty.”

“Should I delete the security footage at the Gala later?” because it’s really none of his business to talk about how young she must have been. They get each other like that.

She waves her hands. “Nah, I like a challenge.”)

-

A sonic boom goes off above the Main Campus before roll call starts and it’s followed by several government-issued fighter jets. Everything goes by too quickly for anyone to get a good recounting, but it becomes the talk of the Main Campus that day. And some second year’s science fair project.

If Gakushuu dies of a heart attack anywhere between now and next March, he’s going to will himself back from his grave to fine the Ministry of Defense to the moon and back, then some more. He pulls out his work phone to type out a Very Polite email to this Karasuma character and pretends the pen in his hand isn’t seconds away from snapping.

Ren smiles at their classmates before they could ask what’s wrong. It’s that particular smile that means he’s going to talk til they pass out from obscure literary references. 

Yeah, he’s probably spending too much time around Irina.

(“You’re aware she’s going to file her nails with your corpse right?” Gakushuu says to a clearly-not-listening-Ren. 

“Uh huh,” the clearly-not-listening Ren is now plotting to get a conversation in before school closes. “Are you  _ sure  _ she’s single?”

He has a ‘Listen, I’m your friend so I’m going to tell you this bluntly’ speech prepared but then realizes Irina probably finds all of this beyond hilarious. Ah well, rest in peace Ren.)

-

The desire to throttle the yellow octopus is eating at his nerves as the conspiracy theories about the incidentgrow more blatant. Irina is currently out on a job to Kyoto with her ‘colleagues‘ so she can’t keep an eye on the creature like they had planned. Which means he’s going to have to fasten his Student Council President armband to trek up the mountain for a ‘check-in’. 

Well, it’s not like anyone’s going to tell him no.

So he snatches Araki from his reading and Ren from 2-B’s Miura, muttering something about ‘Student Council Duties’ during lunch break. They straighten up real quick because everyone knows when mutters anything with official-sounding coming out of Gakushuu's mouth, then they’ll better have their wills penned.

He thinks they’re just being dramatic.

“Come on, losers,” he ignores the strange looks the lower grades are throwing them and wonders how well octopus pairs with his harpoon collection. “We’re going _hunting_.”

“Uh, where’s our—” Ren almost definitely says ‘meatshield’, “I mean, where’s Koyama and Seo.”

The question is to be expected, though he thought Ren knew better by now. They’re currently running tests on the Anti-Sensei material the Ministry of Defense brought in a while back because Gakushuu would sooner eat his hand then trust the government. That and the fact that the two wouldn’t make it past the five-minute mark without getting into some kind of brawl. 

(Those two will find out soon enough.)

“Do you  _ want  _ to get in a fight with 3-E?”

“ _ 3-E _ .” Araki and Ren are so in sync with their disbelief it’s almost impressive.

Gakushuu gives them his equivalent of a shit-eating smile before brandishing his clipboard of Kunugigaoka’s special brand of safety regulations and teacher evaluation standards. The whole thing is closer to a novel than the three sheets of paper from five years ago—it’s his magnum opus. 

(So what if his prescription glasses will need an update, Irina?)

“Well, since I’m under an NDA, ah, it’ll be better for me to just show you two,” he places a hand on both their shoulders. “They couldn’t blame three dutiful students doing their jobs and getting caught in such a mess, would they?”

A resigned look is all that he gets.

They hike up the mountain in record time (Gakushuu has a contraption installed for the most treacherous parts a bit ago). Conveniently, both boys get an eyeful of the security measures and the crew working on them. Araki’s soul is _this_ close to leaving his body when they pass the electric fence.

Nonetheless, today’s a beautiful day, clear blue skies and a sun that makes him want to burn up like crisps. The bloodsucking insects find themselves acquainted with Ren, not above taking advantage of his half-shaved head, and Araki snickers something regarding how only female mosquitoes suck blood and his last girlfriend.

“It seems the shooting ranges are being used,” Gakushuu says when Ren jumps a meter up in the air at the sound of faraway gunshots. “I heard the instructor was competent enough. You’ll be fine. Dramatics are hardly a good look.”

(Somewhere in Kyoto, Irina’s Asano Bullshit Alarm goes off.)

“Ah, that’s the bell,” Gakushuu checks off a few boxes on his clipboard. “Hurry up you two or you’ll have to explain to Tanaka-sensei why we missed her class.” 

Ren lifts an eyebrow, which means his Asano Bullshit Alarm is also going off.

The brown-haired boy points accusingly. “ _ You _ , you already sent an absent notice did you?”

_ Duh _ . He didn’t hold the executive position at this school for nothing, after all.

Araki giggles and Ren shoots him a look of betrayal.

-

_ What the fuck? _

Just to clarify, Ren wants to emphasize that  _ this  _ was all Asano’s idea. Neither he nor Araki had any part in this, the scary hot blonde can complain all she wants about them being little enablers. They did not have to meet the yellow octopus, nor walk in on the aftermath of a grenade going off—but they did. 

Asano was just past the entrance to the building and Ren caught sight of a weird silhouette but doesn’t comment on it when the sound of detonation shakes the earth, smoke rising from the windows. He sucks in a breath and everything happening after that is a blur.

They were just in time to see a boy wrapped in some kind of membrane with an ( _ what the fuck, Asano, what the  _ absolute _ fuck _ ) eldritch creature attached to the ceiling, glowering down at terrified students.

“Uh-oh,” mutters a green-haired girl in pigtails who probably skips across busy highways for fun.

Their Student Council President isn’t paying attention to it though, but filling out the novel-thick forms on the clipboard faster than the human eye could track. Ren swears he hears Asano’s pen break the sound barrier.

3-E doesn’t notice them, not that he blames the class when— _ oh _ —is the creature salivating from it’s  _ grinning  _ mouth? He thinks Araki is about to faint on the spot.

A boy shouts something about how the monster can’t hurt them due to a contract Ren doesn’t know about, shaking in fear.

No  _ wonder  _ why the kid’s in E-Class, who in  _ hell  _ believes they can sue that thing in court and win?

Then the sound barrier actually breaks. 

It’s a blessing in disguise because the creature is gone, if just for mere moments, and Ren can feel himself finally be able to breathe. 

A good minute later, a shriek fills the room from one of the three boys standing near the podium. The blond one with the droopy eyes stutters out Asano’s name like its a curse, a boy who used to be on the baseball team flinches, and Nakamura flips them off under the table. A warm reception. The rest look too frightened to care though.

It doesn't drag out any further than that. The creature returns in the exact way it left, sending rippling shockwaves throughout the class. It empties its arms and the nameplates of every 3-E student's family clatter as it lets out a spiel about how the contract doesn't protect the student's family.

_ Wow _ . Great job there Ministry Defense.

Asano clicks his pen. 

' _ Finally _ ,' Ren thinks, feeling the tension leave his body, slowly, ' _ the real show finally starts _ '. It’s not like the monster isn’t scary, no, Ren could hardly feel his kneecaps, but  _ Asano _ . ‘ _ I Tore Down a Mega Corporation at Twelve’ _ Asano.

The creature finally regards them with a head that rotates ninety degrees counterclockwise.

"Pardon my interruption, would you happen to be the new 3-E homeroom teacher, Karasuma Tadaomi?" Asano says in that perfectly polite tone that implies the boy has never done anything wrong in his life. “I am Asano Gakushuu, Student Council President, they would be my Vice President and Treasurer. I’m here to ask you a few questions regarding your employment.”

The air changes like  _ that _ . The creature that sends Lovecraftian monsters to shane becomes almost cartoonish within the span of a second.

“My, my!” it says through a beaming smile, tentacles waving through the air. “Though I didn’t know Student Councils carry this much power, feel free to ask this old octopus! And don’t mind my earlier display, ah, lessons sidetrack!”

Asano’s voice goes cold. “ _ Don’t mind your earlier display _ ? I do hope you’ve read your employment contract, I don’t know  _ what _ you are, but I will assure you my father will hear of this.”

(“ _ Oh my god _ ,” Fuwa whispers to Hazama, who nods right back.)

He slams half of the forms from his clipboard onto the teacher’s desk with unnatural grace and stares right into the creature’s beady eyes. “This is your copy of your teacher’s evaluation. The Chairman will have a meeting scheduled in one to two business days. Bring your handler.”

The creature begins to sweat.

“Due to my lack of details regarding the  _ situation _ , our questioning will be quite long, I’m sure you should have a replacement for the time being?”

A nod.

“Splendid.”

Oh. Araki fainted. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this all in one day tf??? I haven't gotten around to answering the comments yet, but know that they are the reason why I updated so soon
> 
> so halfway writing that last part, I remembered: OH. nagisa's bomber attack doesn't happen on the first day, and promptly decided that canon was my bitch and I wanted to get this chapter out today
> 
> poor ren doesn't get paid enough for this
> 
> new summary!! because I didn't vibe w the last one
> 
> next chapter is an irina chapter bc I love her and she's the Fun to write


	3. do note the page guides when navigating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's Irina, Bitch"
> 
> \- Irina Jelavic, 2015, into the Student Council's karaoke machine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, typing out ch1: this is going to be crack treated seriously
> 
> me, typing out this ch: this is crack

In an ideal world, Gakushuu and his friends would take the walk of shame to the Chairman’s office after the stunt they pulled. Unfortunately, this is not an ideal world and the Chairman’s office might as well be Student Council Room Part Two: Electric Boogaloo. 

His father doesn’t know shit about interior design in terms of utility so the room prior to Gakushuu’s takeover had been a desk against a window with one sad houseplant that came with the place. Irina took one look and dramatically collapsed like a victorian maiden, saying something about how it’s a crime against her aesthetic sensibilities. 

The problem is easily fixed.

Ren has Araki slung over his shoulders and walking like his frail academic arms are going to break under the weight of another person. This is entirely bullshit because Gakushuu has seen him lug around thrice the weight in order to impress girls way out of his league. 

“We’re going to _The Room_?” Ren says as if it were the only good thing that has occurred in years.

“ _The Room_?” A revived and promptly dropped Araki echoes.

He types in the password to the first electronic lock, then the second, then he turns the combination lock and finishes getting through the other twenty security measures. It’s all for show, honestly, lock eight to seventeen are mostly obsolete and if he wanted, sending a text to his AI would open lock one to eight in a fraction of the time—but he’s not going to do that in front of an audience.

A soft click lets them into the room and Gakushuu swears his friends love the supercomputers and complimentary houseplants more than they love him.

-

Irina gets off the airport like she always does, with all the glamour of the fame she doesn’t have. A few people take photos nonetheless, and with every stutter of a camera, her eyes brighten. 

“Gakushuu, dear!” She waves from the other side of the glass—it gets him a few strange looks.

“Irina,” and he doesn’t know why he’s waiting at the airport when the office desk is _this_ close from breaking under the stress of all those papers. Actually. He _does_ , and that’s to hand Irina her new assignment.

“For me?” she coos, delighted, “You shouldn’t have,” as if he were handing her flowers instead of classified documents while knowing exactly what’s inside.

He smiles a smile that gets whatever bullshit detector Irina has working overtime as he leads her to a limousine driven by the transportation coordinator’s poor, overworked assistant. It’s a pretty picture save for the fact that they’re absolutely going to strangle each other after five minutes of small talk.

Because he’s feeling particularly nice today, he adds, “The liquor cabinet has been restocked.”

Father had a subscription to this wine company to deliver a selection of their most expensive bottles every month since before Gakushuu was even born and it’s not like he could cancel it _now,_ of all times. So Irina does him a favor and cleans it out every few months to god knows where. He had destroyed enough of his father’s life.

(“Kid, you sure you don’t want any?” Irina slurs her words between every breath she takes, holding up a glass.

“Can’t go to school hungover.”

“Of course, of course, we couldn’t have a repeat April Incident—”

He chucks a stapler at the bottle.)

“Well I’m going to need a lot more than the usual,” she mutters as she flips through the forms. “If you have some time in that unholy schedule of yours then you might want to play Student Council President just a bit more.”

“‘The Chairman’ is in high demand these days.”

“No,” she hands her written report of the Kyoto trip over. “Asano Gakushuu is.”

He frowns because this is the fourth time this month she’s brought something like this up. It’s obvious that there’s a disconnect between what they’re thinking. Of course, they would need him, he’s _The Chairman_. A pale imitation of his father, yes, but he’s trying and—he breathes in.

Time to change the topic, “The monster isn’t above threatening the student’s friends and families so we’ll need precautions for that. I’ll need a meeting with 3-E away from the monster.”

She nods, “I’ll arrange that. What time do you want?”

“Lunch break.” He hands her a suitcase that she looks over with an appraising gaze.

“You know, I’m not sure why you would want to place the super creature with 3-E—”

“Finish reading the files, Irina.”

“—when your kids would kill a man if that was what you wanted.”

Which… he can’t really deny when his only defense is that he’s a good tipper (Irina’s Asano Bullshit Alarm goes off). “The Science Club are indebted to the Chairman, it’s not that deep Irina.”

“You built them a state-of-the-art lab for their anniversary.”

“There were extra funds that year!”

Irina jabs an accusing finger, “And having the largest library of toxins in the country is a side hobby? And the state-sponsored rocket research?”

“They are very capable young minds,” Gakushuu doesn’t manage to stop the pride from leaking into his voice. “It’s an educator’s job to facilitate such things.”

She rolls her eyes, having heard this speech at least twenty times already these last few years. “ _No_ , they keep blowing up the east wing and you didn’t want to take away their chemicals because the Ugly One,” Koyama, “kept making faces.”

“I apologize, I wasn’t aware that you no longer need the assistance of the poison team on your missions.”

A perfectly manicured middle finger shot up. Then she finishes reading the files.

“ _Oh, I’m going to fucking skin you, Asano._ ”

-

Gakushuu thinks he’s about three years too young to do this, and that if an Anti-Sensei knife doesn’t do him in, it’ll be because Irina filed workplace harassment on the creature. Well, it’s an unspoken law of nature at Kunugigaoka that if the Chairman’s secretary files workplace harassment regarding someone, said person… _don’t make it_. (They’re not dead, the paperwork would be a pain to deal with, they just wished they were).

(‘ _You’re wearing the uniform right_?’ He texts her when Karasuma takes the octopus aside for A Talk.

‘ _It’s itchy as hell but yeah, you sure this shit works_?’

Then he sends her a picture of the Science Club on their merry way and she twitches.

‘ _So. What’s the…_ ’ and Irina motions to the light and joy of Gakushuu’s life.

‘ _Twentieth-century Newfoundland antiques. The spear is coated in Anti-Sensei material._ ’)

Why the super creature looks like it's in the middle of a schoolyard confession, he doesn’t have a clue. Its skin is flushed pink rather than the usual highlighter yellow, and that pads of its tentacles are pressed together as if they were fingers. 

The thing got called to the Principal’s office for threatening minors, not spilling fucking apple juice?

“While we do believe all our hires to be competent enough without a supervisor,” he pauses for dramatic effect as Irina repaints her nails with the Anti-Sensei polish. “I’m afraid due to your little _speech_ the day before, my son had advised sending you assistance to ease you into the school environment.”

Karasuma looks like he’s going to interrupt in his Chairman-Mode, which anyone with half a brain cell in Kunugigaoka knows not to do. Yes, both creature and handler need someone to ease them into the school environment. 

“She is up to date on the full situation regarding the target. Her NDA has been signed and verified by multiple governments,” Irina nods to the agent when Gakushuu pauses again for dramatic effect. “Ms. Jelavic will be taking over the 3-E’s English classes until further notice.”

The creature _giggles_. “Maa, maa, what a wonderful addition to my classroom.” And a tentacle explodes off. It shrieks.

“Oh, we had forgotten to mention. The glass is coated in Anti-Sensei material—my students are quite smart, aren’t they?”

(He allocates another million yen to the science budget.)

-

(‘ _I’m going to skin them. I’m going to skin them. I’m going to skin them._ ’

_‘And I’m in class.’_

_‘Shut up.’_

_‘Like a Good Boy, aren’t you?’_

_‘The teachers love me.’_

_‘Because you’re not any of these fuckers. GOD, you know that they’re calling me????’_

_‘Wait.’_

_‘You know that girl you told me to keep an eye on? Green hair, tiny, wrecked Seo’s favorite computer during her admissions interview.’_

_‘Yeah, wtf was that btw.’_

_‘Anyhow, that chick’s the fakest bitch I’ve ever seen,,, and have you SEEN me??’_

_‘Of course.’_

_‘Mention the previous 3-E teacher. See how she reacts.’_

Asano Gakushuu is typing...

_‘Don’t cause me any extra paperwork.’_

_‘High demand. Don’t worry, I won’t make it too obvious!!’_

_‘Anyhow, I’m going to feed them to Lovro next time he comes over. We’re having takoyaki too.’_

_‘No, Irina, we’re not eating antimatter.’_

_‘It’ll kill the chef first. You know how long it took to find a reasonably shady chef.’_

_‘Boo hoo whore.’_ )

The teachers are very carefully not seeing the phone Gakushuu is using and his classmates didn’t deign it necessary to point out star student, Asano Gakushuu, texting in class. They’re good kids like that.

An impatient Araki taps a pen against his desk, and Ren is also Not Texting Underneath The Desk. Koyama is writing up a proposal for the new budget freedom and Seo looks like he’s going to screech every time anything vaguely yellow comes his way. 

Today’s Student Council meeting is going to be _fun_ , alright. 

( _‘ooo you guys are dealing with the Akabane Problem aren’t ya?’_

  
 _‘It’ll be your problem soon enough.’_ )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for the comments on the last chapter!! I had a lot of fun reading through them!!
> 
> *spiderman meme w gakushuu and irina*: bitch
> 
> this was mostly a transition chapter so we can get to the real meat and potatoes that is ch4. It's not that I don't have anything to say about this chapter, it's just that I accidentally deleted the first draft of this chapter like a fool and mind empty no thoughts.


	4. the margins are marked in red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the Akabane Problem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck midterms man, just: fuck midterms
> 
> I can't believe myself, holy shit, I updated this chapter on the problem of physics

‘ _Really, what can therapy do for him that ibuprofen can’t in a span of one pill?_ ’ is a thought that’s immediately followed by the cabinet under his Student Council desk running out of ibuprofen. There’s only one culprit. 

When he snags it off of Irina later, he’s going to ‘accidentally’ let her new teaching career slip to Lovro. But that’s for later.

To his side, Ren is reading out today’s agenda quicker than usual due to the glare worth a thousand knives directed his way by Kataoka. He keeps glancing at Gakushuu with pleads of help not leaving his lips but _no_ , Sakakibara was the one who wanted this position within the Student Council and he’s going to have to _deal_ with that.

-

Akabane.

Gakushuu should have just expelled him when he had the chance. The boy is a brute, brash, and uncaring of a single thing around him. If it weren’t for his previous test scores and rich parents, the boy wouldn’t have made it past the admission interview. _Oh, gods_ , what has he gotten himself into?

(There’s something about the way mercury eyes bore into him that makes Gakushuu want to freeze like a deer caught in headlights.)

It’s really no wonder why he ended up in 3-E, the class of students who really should have all been expelled. There’s a contract put in place by his father with a clause about how ‘failing to reach a certain GPA by the end of a term could result in termination,’ whatever the fuck that meant he hadn’t changed until a few years back. Those kids were the minority anyhow, most of the E-Class students were delinquents who are on the last string of his goodwill. Like Okajima, who chooses to think with what’s in his pants.

The problem at hand here is the worst of whatever the 3-E kids did, multiplied by a teacher and two students sent to the ER in broad daylight. _The amount of fucking paperwork that caused_. He thought Kunugigaoka kids knew better than to get caught, but _apparently_ not when it came to Akabane. 

(The teacher in question is a man oozing in bad vibes Gakushuu needed to find an excuse to fire, which is one thing he can thank Akabane for.)

Father wouldn't have expelled Akabane though, because Father had a soft spot of sorts for kids like these. If that soft spot could be defined as ‘the urge to put problem children in their place,’ and as Gakushuu is currently Asano Gakuhou at the moment, so he reluctantly stamps the class transfer papers. 

This is going to be a _nightmare_ , he can already feel it.

-

“Ne, ne, President-kun, why the long face?” Akabane grins, spreading himself out on Gakushuu’s guest chairs without a care in the world.

Of course, Gakushuu couldn’t just answer the question honestly before telling everyone to get the fuck out of his office, that’s just bad manners. So instead, he smiles and sprouts some bullshit about eight extracurriculars and overseas business trips.

“It’s been _quite_ a busy term this year.”

The other boy scoffs.

A government agent Gakushuu vaguely recalls having blackmail on coughs awkwardly to gain the room’s attention. He understands the man is very out of his element, being more used to the proposed ‘dark and mysterious government cellar with a singular green couch and a flickering lightbulb’—like _hell_ Gakushuu would send a student of his down there.

A manila folder is handed to Akabane like it’s glass, which, if you knew anything about him, you would understand that his automatic response is to chuck it somewhere.

It’s almost a disappointment that the other boy doesn’t. Akabane is delighted at the prospect of being able to kill a teacher, a grin decorating his face as he examines the anti-sensei material. (And this is another thing Gakushuu has done before Akabane, he notes in the part of his brain that keeps tallies of these things.)

“I do wish you the best of luck on your assassination,” Gakushuu says, as mild as milk. “We’ll be seeing each other often from now on.”

“Oh? You come around here often? _Lucky me_ ,” Akabane drawls.

_Wow_ , it’s taking an absurd amount of effort not to go off right then and there. 

-

“Aww,” the devil pouts like a kicked puppy, “You’re really going to let these strange men take me away.”

“Go on your way, Akabane.”

The shoo-ing motions he made perhaps would have been more believable if he didn’t stand up to walk Akabane up the 3-E mountain. Like _hell,_ he was going to trust the government to handle what’s _his_.

-

“Asano-kun, uh,” one of his classmates looks out the window, then back at him. “Should we be concerned?”

The answer is yes.

-

“So about the Kyoto trip—”

Under his desk is a perfectly reasonable place to do homework, thank you. “Shut up, Seo, just. Shut up.”

Another explosion in the general vicinity of 3-E goes off. Another day passes by.

-

“You can’t kick me out of my own office.”

To which his so-called ‘friends’ respond in unison with a, “Yes, we can.”

“You look like shit,” Koyama adds.

Ren takes his work pen hostage. “Go home and sleep.”

He sticks his tongue out.

-

“Gakushuu, _sweetheart_ , I’m going to murder you!” Irina sings when she walks into his home office. It’s finally her breaking point, _huh_. The dead octopus smell from yesterday should have gone away by now, though.

“What a hefty claim for a secretary, I do hope my bounty’s worth the trouble.”

She ignores his words with a wave of her hand, “ _You’re the one who sent that fucker into my classroom_.”

Ah, yes, the Akabane Problem strikes again.

“It’s a bad look to refer to your students as ‘fuckers’ Jelavic-sensei.” He files Karasuma’s teacher evaluation sheets away. “Any new developments?” 

The Irina frowns, and that’s never a good sign. 

-

Well, he supposes this isn’t the first time he has to hire an in-house therapist, for himself or other students. The current ones work full-time at the high school and on that note, he needs to hire more for the high school too.

(He very carefully does not think of a ten-year-old on a bridge.)

“I’ll send someone out to secure the area,” Gakushuu signs a few checks, “That cliff shouldn’t be a problem anymore—”

“ _What do you mean Shiota tried a suicide bombing, Irina?_ ”

She tilts her head. “I just heard it from the kids, apparently it happened some time ago?”

A very polite email has been sent to the Ministry of Defense.

-

“Look what the cat brought in!” Nakamura Rio shouts at the top of her lungs when Gakushuu slides the door open. 

“Good morning to you too, 3-E,” Gakushuu smiles. “I’m sure your teacher has informed you of my visit today.”

Karasuma flinches. Irina observes from far away with sharp eyes.

He turns to the octopus, “Koro-sensei, correct?”

The creature flusters, then brightens, quite literally, like a lightbulb. A 3-E kid in the corner groans like something mildly to extremely embarrassing is about to occur.

“Of course! Of course! Nice to meet you again, Asano-kun!”

“Likewise. I hope you’ve taken my father’s words to heart.”

The thing _crackles_.

(The kid in the corner shares looks with a good deal of his other classmates before he hides behind an upside-down Jump magazine.)

Gakushuu claps his hands together before pulling out another massive clipboard from his bag. He was here with a purpose. No amount of nagging Student Council members had stopped him from walking up to his own damn mountain and it won't stop him now.

“Due to _extenuating_ circumstances,” a pause for dramatic effect as heads turn to the creature. “The Kyoto trip this year will be carried out differently for this class—your schedules should be passing around—and the Assembly will be carried out here instead.”

…

They look ecstatic, it’s cute, so Gakushuu puts a hand up to dash their dreams. “You'll still be showing at the actual Assembly, though.”

“Fuck.”

Terasaka, who Gakushuu didn’t know had it in him, narrows his eyes before standing up abruptly, “And why could daddy dearest send in a teacher instead?”

Which yes, he admits sending Irina or an email would have caused less suspicion but, “Do you think the Chairman would risk more outsiders knowing of your, _ah_ , extenuating circumstances, Terasaka-kun?” 

The fact that they probably believe the Chairman is too good to ever show his face in 3-E (or anywhere in general), is one he’ll allow them to keep believing. 

“Have a seat, please, we’re about to go over the new shipment of electronics…” The ‘Chairman Mode’ is almost a subconscious thing.

There’s an odd look that crosses Shiota and the rest of 3-E’s faces, a curious nod from the octopus. Gakushuu smiles like there’s nothing wrong in the world and continues explaining the logistics of a whole resort being rented out for 3-E (using government funds) and new midterm content. 

He supposes this would be a great time to break the news about the Norweigan AI the government politely enrolled in this class also, but that’s not a mess he wants to touch with a three-meter pole. Maybe if he has the CompSci club members lined up like human shields.

-

“Kayano-san, could you meet me in the Student Council Room after school?”

A flash of something cold flashes through the green-haired girl’s gaze before she smiles and nods.

-

Irina collapses onto her swivel chair she stole from Gakushuu's office the moment she enters the teacher's lounge. At the very least, the brat had installed some air conditioning in this goddamned building before she came here.

Like everything the kid does, it was all very funny when it began, like an essay written the night before it's due regarding the months of research papers that couldn't be found. The fun doesn't last long.

So when the kid walks into the 3-E building with a face that screams he skipped breakfast that morning, she calls up Lovro for a conversation neither of them wants. A fifteen-year-old shouldn’t be overseeing shit like this, to begin with, no matter how hyper-competent said fifteen-year-old is.

The Akabane kid spends the whole Asano Lecture paying the most attention she’s seen since he crash-landed in 3-E, yellow eyes taking a certain light when Terasaka mentions the ‘Chairman’. What the fuck does Gakushuu put in the water around here?

( _‘Sakakibara.’_

_‘The kid hasn’t eaten yet.’_

And she clicks send.)

“Jelavic,” the government agent who has the pleasure of being the recipient of Gakushuu’s ‘Polite Emails’ greets her.

The cool face of what she considers professionalism slips on, “You’re doing well today, Karasuma-sensei! How are the kids?”

(“I didn’t know Kunugigaoka could afford such state-of-the-art computers,” Karasuma examines the newly arrived shipments.

Takebayashi huffs, “Not for E-Class they don’t,” and a chorus of hums follow him.

“These are second-hand, Karasuma-sensei,” Nakamura adds, examining the tags, “You should see the Student Council Room.”

“Or the Science Club!”)

He looks down at his laptop pitifully.

She would _really_ like it if she got out of this with her limbs attached. Please.

-

“Bitch-sensei, are you _really_ an assassin?” A girl who used to be in 1-C asks, during the middle of an English. “Karasuma-sensei said so earlier.”

A carefully sculpted eyebrow twitches. “No, of course not? I’m as much an assassin as you kids are!” She beams an Asano-worthy bullshit smile. “Now, what’s the order of these adjectives, Kurahashi?”

The rules of languages are mostly bullshit, without any rhyme or reason to it sometimes, English especially, as someone who knows more languages than what she could count on her hands. The kids are getting there though, teaching this class is significantly more entertaining than when Gakushuu bribes her to sub at the Main Campus.

A good deal of these kids already knows her, albeit briefly, and it makes fitting into their patchwork harder than necessary without revealing her full deck. So she puts up with the _fucking_ nickname and records every bit of information that leaves the kids' mouth regarding the creature in the exact detail that the control freak of a kid likes.

(Gakushuu, in the middle of the Cooking Club’s—and a traitor’s—attempts to make him eat enough for three, sneezes.)

The Akabane kid hums.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I headcanon gakushuu to be THE tech nerd. He wants to run a start-up in Silicon Valley?? Okay Nerd. So he uses his Very Alive I Swear dad's bank account to outfit Kunugigaoka with all the latest tech that catches his eye. This means that the turnover rate for computers is just,, not Reasonable unless you revolutionary France guillotine-worthy.
> 
> I'm breaking everything and hoping it fixes itself sooner or later, the fic


	5. everything is in (alphabetical) order

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe the stress was all the caffeine Gakushuu drank along the way, OR, the parent-'technically a teacher' conference from hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote like, all of this in a day (excluding the first bit) to avoid homework

It was not. 

Everything was not in order.

“Relatively speaking,” Kayano— _Yukimura Akari_ —swivels around on one of his office chairs, “You’re taking this pretty well.”

Gakushuu takes a long, long sip of what is essentially pure caffeine, before closing his eyes in prayer to no one for strength. How the fuck’s name did Kunugigaoka become tied in this bad movie plot he doesn’t know. 

He supposes it’s nice to know where the creature came from (another thing he now has over the government) and to have a small margin of time to panic in between. At least Yukimura had been decently honest after a bit of _‘you know that I know that you know sensitive information’_ and if he revealed a bit too much about the previous Chairman’s status—well, that wasn’t anyone’s problem.

(“You know, I hated Asano Gakuhou for his indifference to _everything_ ,” Yukimura mutters when the conversation found itself stalling. “Sorry about your computer.”

It’s fine, the plan certainly worked well enough to get her placed in 3-E, but it gave him an excuse to scope out what his Silicon Valley contacts had to offer that month. He tells her that much.)

Rummaging through his files cabinet shows the reports sent to him by the transportation coordinator when the man last visited, “I had a contact investigate Yanagisawa Labs after the funeral.”

There’s an undercurrent of sharpness to the girl’s eyes when seemingly delicate hands reach out for the report, skimming the contents with a deceptively light smile.

“Shiro?” she asks.

Gakushuu digs out a few more reports and a note from Irina written in their code, “Yanagisawa under an alias. The handwriting and voices match up, along with the government’s insistence that he’s to be trusted.”

“Ah,” and the sheer amount of contempt Yukimura stores in a singular syllable is, in itself, worthy of praise. It’s only bested by his father in those long, distant memories.

Then she lifts a curious eyebrow, rereading the last page multiple times.

“‘ _Government_ _authorized_ ,’” she says in that ‘Kayano voice’, pitched slightly higher than what should be reasonable. A deep breath, “He’s so _young_ though.”

(The whispers of ‘so are you,’ are stopped before they can fester in Akari’s mind.)

“I know.” Then Gakushuu grins because what a tragedy if a human experiment were to—he doesn’t know—go _missing_ after a failed assassination attempt. Kunugigaoka gaining a new student is nothing that strange. “I have a plan.”

(“We’ll have to create, ah, an _incident_ of sorts,” he tilts his head. “Wouldn’t it be odd if the public happens to catch wind of details on human experimentation?”)

Yukimura makes a sound of, “ _Ohhhh_ ,” when he lays out the details of the plan. It’s not as overly complicated as he would have liked but they’re running on a time limit here.

“I should have all my sister’s research at home.”

“Is that an offer?”

Kayano smiles. 

“Why don’t you give me access to,” and she gestures to the harpoons and computers. And the Science Clubs’ building, “and we’ll call it a deal.”

They shake on it.

-

“My, my, Ms. Jelavic, what do I owe the pleasure of this time?” the multiple afterimages say in unison.

(“Yeah, Bitch-sensei!”)

The stack of paper the size of a small tower she carries with ease is dropped unceremoniously onto Koro-sensei’s poor, poor desk and the kids look as if she were to grow a third eye. 

A well-aimed kick misses the octopus who knows to think twice about Irina’s anti-sensei clothing. “ _What_? Asano called—or unless you want to fail midterms.”

(“ _Awww_ ,” Akabane leans back against his chair. “She _cares_.”

“Still a spy!” Terasaka crosses his arms, ignoring the Naruto hitai-ate.)

-

3-A has this distinct look of soullessness only found during the pits of exam season. 

(“ _Chill_ , lady, it’s just midterms,” a boy from another school tells a Kunugigaoka girl knee-deep in practice questions and Asano’s somehow publicized notes (bless that kid). 

She narrows eyes that haven’t seen sleep in the last twenty-four hours. The ruler is somehow half-way embedded into the desk, a centimeter away from the boy’s now-sweating palms. 

The boy yelps, “What the fuck, Arakawa!”

“Listen _here_ ,” she takes deep long breaths and hopes the answer to 8e4 comes soon, “do you even comprehend how much it takes for me to be an elitist dick 24/7? We all don’t have rich parents like you, _Kyle_.”

“My name isn’t Kyle—!”)

Something about the right mix of Todai increasing their entrance exam’s difficulty and the bureaucratic hell that is the Japanese education system makes it so that new material was introduced mere weeks from midterms. Gakushuu knows the majority of this happens to be his fault, for letting the board run amok while he had his hands full with the three-foot-tall yellow problem, but _fuck_.

“Oh, gods. Asano said fuck. The world is over.” 

Irina is most definitely laughing at him from the chair she stole. 

-

… 

-

Dread is in the air, swirling like thick miasma in a devil’s lair. Tendrils of hope no one dares to feel emanate from Kunugigaoka in crashing tides. They say the time-space stops the moment flimsy papers are hung on a bulletin board when no one dares to breathe. 

Gakushuu is choking on his own air—because how could Father be wrong? According to everything his father left behind, 3-E shouldn’t have placed this high, even grazing the barest of Top 50 shouldn’t be possible. Akabane’s placement and Okuda’s, he perhaps understands, but everything else? Has he been putting too much pressure on 3-A?

And him? He failed to take the top spot on all five subjects _again_. 

-

“What do you want, Akabane?”

“Oh, it's nothing in particular, say, don’t you know how many points were between us?”

“It’s bad manners to respond to a question with a question. I had thought your parents taught you better than that.”

The redhead whistles. “And you’re a dick.”

“Language, Akabane,” Gakushuu levels him a flat look. “The Main Campus isn’t like your classroom.”

“Sure, _whatever_ , go running to daddy dearest then.”

“I think you misunderstood.”

“My father won’t return—not unless I go to him.”

“...will you?”

He closes his eyes. “No, not yet.”

-

“Where are you dragging me? This is kidnapping.”

Akabane rolls his eyes. “Oh, shut up and eat your ice cream, Asano,” then attempts to bite a piece of Gakushuu’s sorbet.

-

Gakushuu meets the AI assigned to 3-E and does not have the Computer Science vibrating with the intensity of a thousand suns when he tells them about it later. The meeting itself goes fine, he tells the developer he’ll fine them from hell and back if the AI harms a Kunugigaoka student in any way and the developers have lawsuits ready to go if anything happens to their magnum opus. 

Overall, not anything he can’t deal with.

The meeting with the human experiment boy—Horibe Itona—on the other hand, was an _experience_. Especially with that ‘Guardian’ of his. Gods, did Yanagisawa trade all subtlety for a tacky white robe? His Science Club kids could never.

Gakushuu has never been more thankful for his voice modulator. “So Horibe-kun, could you explain this gap within your public and academic records?”

Shiro chuckles, “Itona has been homeschooled since—”

“Had I asked you anything, Shiro-san?” When Yanagisawa doesn’t answer, Gakushuu nods. “Now, let’s try again, Horibe-kun, could you explain this gap within your public and academic records?”

The boy’s eyes, yellow like the creature’s and ringed, held a certain emptiness to them that Gakushuu knows all too well. He’s volatile, a ticking time bomb. 

“Getting stronger,” is what Horibe finally responds with. “You’re the strongest in this place aren’t you?”

He is, technically, “That’s what the position of Chairman means.”

Yanagisawa has a hand clasped around Horibe’s shoulders, and it’s obvious how much force the man’s using when he puts a finger to his lips. A warning, a promise, a threat. Whatever it was, Gakushuu has a sinking feeling in his guts.

-

“Yukimura. We’re getting Horibe out of there.”

“Of course!”

“I hope the Main Campus is treating you well?”

She laughs. “I hope my sister’s research is treating you well.”

-

“Irina? How do you feel about chaperoning the Science Club?”

“I don’t know why you need separate chaperones for the Science and Computer Science clubs, they’re going to commit crimes in the same place anyway.”

“No. You know _exactly_ what happened last time.”

-

First, the AI happens to 3-E. According to Irina, it goes spectacularly as a dumpster fire on an oil spill, which was to be expected. 

Something about never-ending firepower and self-learning algorithms. The AI is called Ritsu now, she’s a ‘cute kid’, as Irina had said, after some against-contract modifications to the system by the creature.

It’s nothing too major.

Ren can shut the fuck up (please) about all the cute girls going to 3-E now (please), even Araki is tired. 

-

Gakushuu takes one look at the picture of the damage Horibe caused to the 3-E building and decides he’s had enough today.

-

The baseball game goes as smoothly as it could with slightly above average middle school kids against assassins-in-training. Gakushuu counts that as a win, even if he needs to send another Polite email to the government agent concerning what is and is not an appropriate disguise for the creature.

-

“Irina, why are you telling me I can’t just send this?”

She sighs, “No, Gakushuu, you can’t just send ‘ _FUCK OFF_ ’ to the Ministry of Defense.”

The image of Takaoka is present against his stunning ‘credentials’ of his time as a military instructor. 

“It’s bad manners. You’re the Chairman.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gakushuu, pointing to kayano: this is the fakest bitch I've ever seen, and have you _seen_ me??? (I'm lowkey sure I've used this joke somewhere before but pretend i didn't if you know what I'm talking about)
> 
> I love Kayano, she's so fun. Like have this ball of anger and sasuke uchiha levels of 'I want to revenge' into a smiley smile girl with pigtails. this is why you don't fuck with short people. 
> 
> itona!!! my boy!!! he's here!!! did I skip the whole kyoto arc for itona? yes. yes I did.
> 
> thank you for all the comments I received last chapter!! I love them to bits and if you make it this far with my bs: <3333


	6. an entry is in four parts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and they were roomates...
> 
> OH MY GOD, _they were roommates_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> somewhere along this chapter, you can see that I've watched too much cat videos

Gakushuu is in a tree next to the flowerbeds, up on the mountain overlooking Kunugigaoka. It’s the furthest position from the PE grounds without his less than optimal eyesight getting in the way.

There are sticks in his hair. 

The 3-E kids are eating cake from the place down the street to where he lives, the one where only people with too much money on their hands would ever enter—his first alarm bell. Takaoka is ‘ _nice’_ , nice in the way that sends chills up his spine, (nice in the way that makes him remember a man who wasn’t quite his father but is.)

He has the dismissal forms already filled out and a camera perched on a branch with the best view of the group below. He’s seen the pictures—it was an unspoken rule within the new recruits what Takaoka Akira meant, broken bones and whips of steel and total obedience. 

Yukimura, happily devouring an unreasonably large macaron, flashes him a quick smile and a nod before turning around wordlessly. It’s small comfort. 

-

Maehara bends over, clutching his stomach, and Gakushuu leaps before the man could lay a hand on his next target, the Kanzaki girl. There’s not enough time. Gakushuu was only fast enough to tackle her out of the way before the hit lands and Takaoka overbalances.

It’s not the dignified entrance Gakushuu would have wanted, but that’s not important.

The lines of the man’s frame are shaking, in anger or what Gakushuu doesn’t care, He’s smiling, more of a baring of teeth than anything close to kindness.

A burly hand reaches out. “I didn’t _know_ our family was missing a member until now,” and his voice was saccharine sweet.

Gakushuu straightens himself as another 3-E kid helps Kanzaki away from the man. He takes a handkerchief and hands it to the girl then turns to Takaoka.

“No,” he presents filled-out dismissal forms. This has been dragged out way too long already. “The Ministry of Defense is _done_ interfering with my school—leave.”

The man doesn’t do the easy thing and walk himself down the mountain, but that's to be expected. These types of people are all too stubborn where it doesn’t count. He has a contingency plan for that in the form of a security team just waiting to be called up.

Gakushuu presses the dial and the corners of his lips curves. 

3-E and the octopus _stare_.

-

“Thanks for what you did back there,” Yukimura mumbles like it was the hardest thing she’s done in weeks. 

“It’s my job.”

“And they’re suspicious of you.”

He hums. “Irina already gave me this talk last night.” (Then proceeded to fistbump him and use the day as an excuse to get piss drunk before Gakushuu could tell her that she was still technically underaged here in Japan.)

“You should hear the theories Nagisa has on you.”

_Huh_. He had never pegged Shiota as the type.

“So.”

She lifts an eyebrow as she screws the lid of a muskmelon soda off with practiced ease. “Go on.”

“It’s about Horibe.”

“Oh?” Hazel eyes _shine_.

“I met with the man claiming to be his uncle the other day,” Gakushuu grins. “Don’t you know? Kunugigaoka is awfully close to Japan’s Child Protective Services.”

-

Arakawa from CompSci is a professional. She knows she can stand dealing with those obsessed Science Club know-it-alls for a few days, the President believed in them, after all. And speaking of the President, their great, generous, as bitchy as his pockets are deep President, she would _really_ like to know how he got himself into classified government research.

And like, why have the Science Club (those bastards) been on cloud nine these last few days.

-

Irina is three steps into the Asano house when she realizes Something Is Up. She doesn’t know _what_ , per se, because Gakushuu is a sneaky brat with even sneakier ( ~~enablers~~ ) friends. There’s Something Up, though, because by the door is an out-of-uniform pair of shoes that none of those richer-than-thou friends of his (this includes Irina) would get dead caught wearing.

She slips off her heels, careful not to make any noise as she makes her way to the kitchen. The very inhabited kitchen.

A shock of white flies past her and _what_?

“ _The fuck_ , Gakushuu.” It’s only due to years of experience as a trained assassin that she doesn’t drop her duffel bag.

Gakushuu smiles like there’s nothing wrong in the world, holding a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and signing paperwork faster than the eye could see in the other. An old blanket is draped over him, and a well-worn coat she _knows_ Gakushuu doesn’t own over his shoulders.

“Irina,” he greets lightly, “Meet Horibe Itona—he’ll be staying with us from now on. Itona, say hello to Ms. Jelavic, your new English teacher.”

The white-haired kid nods.

What?

_What?_

“Kidnapping is illegal in all prefectures,” and she’s so close to shaking the kid till some semblance of sense (and self-preservation) shows itself. 

Oh, gods, they’re housing someone who can match a super creature, who _is_ a super creature. A super creature with problems with authority and violence. A human experiment. A mad scientist’s ward. With antimatter tentacles.

“Of course,” Gakushuu nods like it’s all perfectly logical as he feeds the Horibe kid a chocolate-dipped cookie. “I got him through legal channels.”

“And he won’t, uh, explode?” she gestures towards the white hair.

“Would I have let him in here if he could?” 

“Good point.”

There’s a period of awkward silence where nobody moves. 

“The yellow octopus removed the tentacles quite skillfully, I’m having the Science kids look into it later,” the kid has that particular light in his eyes which means if something doesn’t explode in the next few weeks then the second coming of Jesus has landed. “Do you think the CompSci kids would be interested too?”

The reasonable answer is no. It has always been no. They would rip each other’s throats apart before Microsoft Word could finish opening.

Irina levels him a _look_. “Go for it. Karasuma’s hot when he’s stressed.”

Gakushuu takes a napkin to wipe the crumbs off of Horibe’s face before feeding him another cookie. A cookie Horibe accepts readily. “Well, I’ve always figured we had the same taste in men.”

Wait… “ _What_?”

“What.”

Horibe looks up, confused. “Asano said he had the same taste in—” A cookie is shoved into the boy’s face by a still-smiling Gakushuu.

“Oh, and Lovro’s coming by for dinner tomorrow!” and Irina skips all the way to her section of this unnecessarily large house.

The sound of an unnecessarily expensive pen dropping is like music to her ears.

-

“Gakushuu.” 

“Hm?”

“If you’re going to be staying here, call me Gakushuu,” he said, “Asano is the Chairman.”

Itona nodded, deft hands fiddling with his TV’s wiring, “Your cables are off, that’s okay though, it’s minor. You should buy better televisions.”

In hindsight, that probably wasn’t a good idea to say, nor was it a good idea for Gakushuu to pull out his Silicon Valley magazines. 

-

He’s always been a cat person, and if it weren’t for the time constraint, he would’ve adopted every stray that he comes across (if Father would have ever let him). It doesn’t work quite like that though. 

“So you went and got yourself a boy.”

“And you make it sound so vulgar,” but Gakushuu doesn’t expect anything less from Irina. 

“Horibe’s close enough to cat so I don’t see why you’re complaining.”

It’s four in the morning, and neither of them had slept a wink. School starts in three hours, faculty are expected to arrive an hour before that. “Perhaps if you would let me finish my metaphor.”

“Oh, I’ve already finished it for you a sentence ago,” she refills her glass of sparkling grape juice. “I mean, he’s already sleeping with you.”

Gakushuu buries his hands into his face and groans, “He’s just borrowing the extra futon _Irina_ , I didn’t have the time to set up an extra room for him and you know that.”

“Heh.”

-

“According to all my friends,” which Gakushuu doubts she has any that aren’t of the stabby type. “Cats are the one to wake you up, so congrats kiddo, you’re the cat in this situation.”

To which Gakushuu, still trying to wangle one white-haired boy who migrated from his futon to Gakushuu’s bed, responds by rolling his eyes. They have about an hour left to get to school if they want to meet their scheduled time with the octopus to get Itona situated. Plus, there’s the matter of Yanagisawa’s public scandal that he needs to fan the flames for.

-

“If you laugh. I will murder you.”

Irina laughs.

Itona pats Gakushuu’s hair sympathetically. 

-

Ren takes one look at who gets out of the car with Asano and feels increasingly faint. He’s an art kid, he breathes potentially toxic ink the way Asano breathes unnecessarily complicated machinery, but he’s dragged Koyama away from his labs enough times to know what kind of fuckery they get up to.

By that, he means that he’s seen the blown-up pictures of the white-haired kid that’s clinging to Asano’s arms like a particularly sticky cat next to a wall of hypotheses about moon exploding research material.

When they walk to class later, Asano mentions something about how he’s going to have to deal with CPS and how the Chairman is a ‘fucking idiot for getting into the fucking mess, fuck the government.’ Ren decides the mystery of why Haruna Mase is hanging out in the drama club’s room every so often is a mystery he would rather deal with for now. It’s for his sanity’s sake.

Huh, Asano usually isn’t forgetful.

-

“Koro-sensei’s weak spot is under his tie.”

“Excuse me?”

“Koro-sensei’s weak spot is under—” the sound of the yellow octopus’s laughing drowns out the rest of the sentence.

(“Does that mean Koro-sensei can remove tentacles?” Kayano asks, the day’s math worksheet promptly left forgotten.

Itona nods and the smile he sees that spreads over Kayano’s face reminds him, in a way, of Gakushuu’s face when talking law with Shiro.)

-

“You brought house plants,” Gakushuu says mildly when he opens the door for Lovro.

“He insisted,” the assassin says in a thick Russian accent, pointing to the transportation coordinator who’s conveniently always behind the man. “Said your place is dull. Are we having the fish again?”

“What kind of host would I be if we didn’t?” he switches to Russian, glaring until the men took their shoes off. “If those are poisonous, tell me now before we eat.”

“Of course!” the transportation coordinator has this smirk on his face that would be _really_ punchable if Gakushuu were anyone else. “They’ll bloom in a few days.”

“Great. Anyhow, I’ll get the food from the kitchen, you know the rules.”

The transportation coordinator, a man only slightly older than Irina with grey hair and an innocuous face waves his hands in a dismissive manner. “Yeah, _yeah_ , you said that a thousand times as if you still have hope. Don’t worry, I already billed the cleaners.”

It should be anatomically impossible for his eyes to roll back any further than they do now.

He goes to get the food and really hopes Irina isn’t feeling snappy today, but knowing E-Class, well he gets an ice pack just in case. 

The door to the dining room creaks open and when Gakushuu pushes a cart of food in, four pairs of eyes with varying levels of guilt turn to him. The transportation coordinator grins, unrepentant, as a hand reaches out to snatch the plate of cake. Gakushuu slaps the hand away before taking the plate and placing it in front of Itona. 

“For the person with the lowest property damage count,” he says in his bullshit voice, maintaining eye contact with the smarmy grey-haired man throughout.

Itona beams then gets a considering look on his face when he surveys the room.

“We’re here to discuss the Moon Incident and Yanagi—” Lovro starts eyeing the plate of salmon with disdain, to which the transportation coordinator interrupts with, “That’s favoritism, _Shuu-kun_!”

The man catches the knife thrown at him and he flicks it back. Unfazed, Gakushuu titles his head three degrees counterclockwise, allowing the knife to lodge itself into the wall. Lovro and Irina have already drawn their guns.

There’s a second knife following the one Gakushuu threw, Irina shoots that one out of the air, and ducks as her bullet hits a piece of the glass chandelier. Somewhere along the way, the only bottle of wine breaks. Lovro doesn’t take it well. _Ouch_.

(The cleaners are going to be so pissed.)

“Take that, fucker!” Irina grins as the somehow rigged table falls apart when she knocks the leg nearest to her over, bringing everything over the transportation coordinator.

The man responds by throwing grenades of flower petals (because Gaksuhuu would have sacked him if it were anything else) into the middle of the room.

“Classy,” Gakushuu says, dodging and redirecting any incoming projectiles. “Any extra charges will be on your tab, Coordinator-san.”

“Sure!”

Something goes off.

“— _Asano_?” and yes, indeed, that’s Ren.

Itona finishes his cake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ITONAAAA 
> 
> *jazz hands*
> 
> arakawa? OC, but you know who isn't?? that's right.
> 
> transportation coordinator. (kudos if you guess who he is correctly)
> 
> Microsoft word takes like five seconds o open which in internet time, is equivalent to five centuries


	7. pronunciation keys don’t do shit, debra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Disaster Bi's guide on What To Do when your Best Friend thinks a Fun past-time is Throwing Knives At Trained Assassins!!
> 
> What Is With The Strange Laughing Noises in The Hallways Guys? No, Seriously. It's Getting Creepy.
> 
> You CANNOT Believe KUNUGIGAOKA'S Exam Rankings!!
> 
> Click HERE to Find Out Why The Ministry of Defense Might File for BANKRUPTCY!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D

“I can explain,” says Asano, who doesn’t explain shit.

Ren would like to think it’s just the sleep deprivation-induced hallucinations or maybe he inhaled pollen from some of the weird flowers floating everywhere again. But no. The reasonable answer has never been the correct one.

(There’s whistling from where the flowers came from.)

“The new kid?  _ Ms. Jelavic _ ?” he flails when the only explanation his brain can supply is a series of question marks. “ _ Why  _ are you holding a gun?”

It’s Official. He needs an eye exam.

“Um,” Asano looks strangely apologetic. “I can explain that too?”

The ‘don’t call the cops’ is heavily implied, but even if Ren did try to pull out his phone, the old dude in the corner looks particularly trigger happy. Nope. Not today, Satan.

See, if Ren had any sense of self-preservation he would know the best course of action would be to turn around and walk himself back home, silently contemplating his life choices. Unfortunately, nine years ago, he chose to befriend a violet-eyed kid with expectations for himself the size of Mount. Fuji and the drive to back it up.

Asano begins in that particular inflection that reminds him too much of those weird promotional videos for the school. “Since Father is gone…” 

( _ Holy shit _ , does that mean the dead Chairman rumors were true?)

“...It became necessary for me to meet his associates in his place. Ms. Jelavic supervises.” Then the creature in 3-E is  _ finally  _ explained, with all the government-installed caveats that go with it.

The grey-haired man is smiling with something that looks like pride?

Ren takes a deep breath and doesn’t dare close his eyes. “So let me get this straight—”

“Which no one here is.”

Yes, but that isn't the main topic here.

“ _ Assassins _ ?”

“Yeah,” Ms. Jelavic drawls, cutting in. “We  _ really  _ need to get rid of the octopus in E-3 before March or, ya know.”

They all make some variation of an exploding motion with their hands. It’s tremendously unhelpful.

Then Ren gestures to what remains of the dining room because  _ what the fuck _ ?

Asano  _ blushes _ .

-

“Wait, Ren, how did you get in, I was sure I locked the door.”

A long second later. “...Through the window.”

“Ah.”

“So what’s with the new kid?”

“Emotional support.”

-

“So are we  _ finally  _ going to talk about how unfair that cake ruling is?” the transportation coordinator says when Gakushuu eventually managed to convince Ren that ‘ _ no, he wasn’t going to get brutally murdered after dinner. _ ’ “He knocked down a  _ wall _ .”

“Not my fault that the structural integrity of the building is pathetic.”

Irina nods. “It was totally unfair, I  _ saw  _ the check for what Fixing Shit Up cost!”

Gakushuu snorts before turning to the transportation coordinator. “October fourteenth, last year, A-2’s math quiz.” Then to Irina, “Do you think the flowerbeds are honestly  _ just  _ flowerbeds?”

Itona purrs as he gets handed more cake.

-

“Tell me  _ precisely  _ what did you do again?” Gakushuu knows exactly what they did, of course, this was just to drive their  _ height of idiocy _ in.

Koyama stutters, Seo and Araki look away, and Ren is still giving him the same dazed look since the, ah, dinner happened. He thought he raised them better than this, or at least to think a second before they opened their mouths. 

“Um, well, Asano-kun,” is the best any of them get. “It’s not like they’ll win or anything—you know their scores.”

Better than most, actually, and he knows  _ exactly  _ how doomed his four ‘friends’ are. 

(Those kids were there never for their grades alone.)

“Are those brains up there only for decoration?” He doesn’t bother to keep the irritation out of his voice. “Go on, tell me what you were thinking when you decided to bet on behalf of everyone in 3-A without consulting a single one of us.”

They flinch, stammering out half-baked excuses about 3-E ‘getting overconfident with those new teachers of theirs’ and how they needed to be ‘taken down a peg.’

Gakushuu excuses himself, leaving an absent slip on the teacher’s desk.

He shouldn’t blame them, not without blaming himself first. As much as E-the 3-E system had been his father’s fault, he died and now Gakushuu perpetuates it. The vitriol the Main Campus was made to feel against E-Class was never truly abated. It can’t be without upturning Kunugigaoka’s entire system, entire  _ purpose _ , upon itself. 

(He can’t blow his cover now, not when there’s a super creature up in his father’s old classroom ready to explode.)

Perhaps he’s a coward. Because the thought of removing the core purpose of Kunugigaoka’s existence, as twisted as the system is, leaves him feeling ten and desperately dragging down a life that shouldn’t be his into dark waters. 

Laughing is so much easier than crying.

-

He makes it back to class before the math lecture starts, cooly composed, and carrying a stack of important-looking papers. Nothing is out of the ordinary (or so he wishes.)

-

Every one of his classmates awkwardly shuffles around his desk awkwardly as the papers are passed around, ready for his ultimatum. 

“I suppose I was somewhat harsher than necessary,” Gakushuu states, a bullshit smile spread out on his face. “However, since  _ these four  _ deemed it imperative to put 3-A’s Okinawan vacation on the line.” glares are directed towards the sour Virtuosos. “I came up with a few countermeasures. I hope you find them agreeable.”

“Asano-kun?”

“Yes?”

“What do you mean when you say that,” Arakawa takes a deep breath and reads out the punishment clause, “ _ ‘3-E is to be expected to allow the participation of the Main Campus in their endeavors? _ ’”

Ah, he was getting a tad impatient and 3-E would never accept assistance from his kids the normal way. This would just speed some of his plans along if it happened. “Don’t worry too much about it, Arakawa-san, you’ll find out soon.” 

Though he’s pretty sure they’ve already figured it out.

Ren looks like he wants to argue, so does Araki, when they put the pieces together. Of course, what they bring up instead was 3-A’s punishment clause because they know better than to talk about the octopus in the room. Gakushuu scoffs mentally  _ as if  _ he would let the one thing these kids have been looking forward to all semester be taken away so easily. 

Oh, look! It seems like Isogai has opened the Word document.

-

“Koyama why the fuck do you have that and where did you get that from?” Seo asks, pointing to the list of ‘E-Class: Most Likely to Rank High’ in the boy’s hands which also doubled as a ‘Who Would Most Likely Eat a Rat’.

It’s pretty obvious who’s on top of the list.

Gakushuu hums, “I didn’t know Akabane fancied cannibalism.”

(In the back, someone chokes. “ _ Oh my god _ , did Asano-kun tell a  _ joke _ ?”

“ _ Shhh _ ,” and “ _ Why is that the most concerning part of the statement Hinoe? _ ”)

-

“Can we talk?” Ren says, waiting outside the school gates when the day ends. “About yesterday night.”

Well, it was going to come up sooner or later.

Gakushuu sighs, “Go on.”

“I-I don’t pretend to understand everything you’re doing,” welcome to the team, Ren, “But I’m here for you, alright? If you ever need to disappear to the States, tell me.”

Oh.

“Araki, Koyama, Seo, and I—we’re sorry. We were arrogant and we weren’t thinking of the situation it put you in,” Ren has his head lowered, “We might be arrogant idiots, but we’re  _ your  _ arrogant idiots.”

“Yeah,” and he smiles, something warmth bubbling up in his chest.

-

Yeah, and he groans into the pile of practice worksheets, the coffee container empty. Gakushuu doesn’t know when’s the last time he slept, but deep purple underneath his eyes are starting to show behind the foundation. It’s forty-eight hours at least, though he can’t bring himself to look up at the ticking clock. 

Irina will yell at him again, no doubt, then disable the coffee machine.

He’s been putting, ah,  _ unsatisfactory  _ efforts into keeping up with his studies this last semester and the octopus excuse will get him so far. He already lost enough points during the midterms, any more and it’ll be another thing that’ll leave his father rolling in his grave.

-

“Ren, the discriminant needs to be looked over. Seo, read page seventy-five again, Arakawa, yes, you’re right I’ll factor that into the budget, Araki, remember which is the intersection and which is the union…”

-

It’s morning. 

But he doesn’t quite notice until the sunlight becomes too overbearing, and the burn on his retinas intensifies. Gakushuu gets himself ready, walking into the room that’s technically his on silent feet. Itona is still sleeping and there are two hours left before he has to make it to school. 

He doesn’t normally bother with breakfast since Irina is out on some assassination-related business, but he has another person under his roof now. It’s a miracle and a half that he doesn’t get any eggshells in the omelete or that the stove is preheated at all.

“—you know.”

Gakushuu almost drops the chopsticks. “Itona,” a breath in, composing yourself shouldn’t be  _ that  _ hard, “good morning.”

The boy an arm’s length away tips his head in acknowledgment. “I might have lost the tentacles but I haven’t lost my hearing.”

Oh, “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“You’re sloppy when you’re tired,” Itona steps closer, then goes on the tips of his toes, laying a careful hand in the messier-than-usual mop of strawberry blond hair. “Go to bed, I’ll make food.”

“It’s really alright,” it’s been a while since anyone’s done this and he finds himself leaning into the touch unconsciously, “Itona, you don’t have to.”

Bright, unblinking amber eyes narrow slowly. “Sleep. I’ll bring your paperwork in for you.”

“I have class,” Gakushuu says in one last futile attempt, even though he knows this is a battle he isn’t winning. 

“Your practice material has passed your class’s current material two terms ago.”

Yeah. He can’t afford to be sloppy.

-

Gakushuu paints on a smile and accepts that he’ll really have to reorganize the fucking Okinawa Trip to suit 3-E’s yellow circumstance. 

-

“Look at me,” Itona says, taking two cookies out of the pantry and holding each against Gakushuu’s cheeks. “What are you, Shuu-kun?”

The still-at-number-one-student-for-now-unless-he-fucks-up-more-than-he-already-has scowls at the nickname, before muttering out through slightly gritted teeth, “A smart cookie.”

(And if his cheeks were in any way red, well, nobody would know.)

-

“Do any of you know how hard it is to book a whole floor in a hotel on a whim? How hard it is to make all of the relevant staff sign confidentiality contacts?” Gakushuu, behind his voice modulator, says to Karasuma when he realizes a Very Polite email isn’t quite enough to express the amount of paperwork he has to deal with. “Do you know how much trouble I had to go through to rent out an _ entire beach _ ?”

Oh, cool, have your super elaborate assassination attempt in broad daylight. Go ahead, 3-E!

The Real and Legit Chairman sighs, “I have sent your employers half of the bill—this is me being  _ generous _ .”

-

“Why am I even doing this?” Ren bemoans dramatically, vicariously living the spirit of Shakespeare.

“Because you love and appreciate me,” Gakushuu deadpans, before handing Itona the back he was missing. “Itona, you have my number and I’ll see you in a few days, alright?”

(Ren thinks the attention Asano gives to Horibe is totally unfair by the way.)

Karasuma’s phone pings and that should be the Very Polite email he had timed to send as he gave 3-E a friendly wave. Irina is Definitely not cracking up in the background. 

-

_ ‘I’m ninety percent sure this trip is going to go wrong somehow.’ _

_ ‘I have my security teams on high alert.’ _

_ ‘Oh don’t be such a worrywart.’ _

_ ‘It’s just one trip to the beach, how bad could it possibly be?’ _

_ ‘Stay safe.’ _

_ ‘LOL.’ _

_ ‘Guess who just got kicked out of the train.’ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, this chapter got a bit dark in places. the next one won't be though, I hope, but you never know since these things depend on my mood when typing 
> 
> I had the time of my life writing this chapter summary. Also!! Itona!!! I did not expect to go down this route but here I am! Though I doubt I'll go any further than vague hints unless it's something you guys actually want? Poor Ren, Shuu dragged him to the train station JUST to third-wheel him.
> 
> LAST CHAPTER'S COMMENTS TAT everyone!! was so nice aa!!! I'm so tremendously happy at the comments I got I ended up sending some of them to all my close friends, again, thank you for reading and sticking this far with me!! It means a lot <3

**Author's Note:**

> go yell at me on twitter @hoalianyas to get off ao3 and study
> 
> did I just start another WIP? yes. the idea for this fic came to me while writing the problem of physics because gakuhou was just the worst to write. like, in the 'how to characterize him' kind of thing and thought: what if I just Didn't. And that's the fic was born. Also, Irina is here because I like her.
> 
> I have a paper for my English class about defining a word I have strong feelings about and if I could submit this as the paper then I would.


End file.
